Sheer.

Today officially marks the last day of summer. I don't really know how I feel about it ending. Its gona start to get nippy here and I foresee myself wearing my knee high socks and sweaters around the apartment.
Now let me ask a question.. How would you feel if your significant other spelled your name incorrectly not once, but several times? Irregardless if they were sober or not.

Yesterday, my bf spelled my name wrongly. He has done it 3 times previously and I've told him several times how I feel about people mispelling my name. It really really pissed me off. I think I'm going to give him a notebook with my name to practice over the dotted lines. Just like in kindergarten when you practice writing ABC.
Maybe I am overreacting, but it really hurts my feelings that he can't even get something as basic as my name spelled correctly. PLUS we have been going out for almost a year already. WTF RIGHT. Totally unacceptable. Worst part, he treats it like a small matter and didn't even apologise!
ARGH
Also, lately, I find myself wanting to distance myself away from emma. I used to be ok about giving her a bath or making her bed or making her dinner. But now, I just cannot be bothered. Just the other day, I told dj that I've become his live-in cab driver, baby sitter & housekeeper.
Every weekend I'm shuffling emma back and forth between his mom's house while he's at work. its very mentally exhausting. basically i'm just stuck because he doesnt get any famiy support other than his mom & she doesn't drive.
I am so foolish because all along, I have been setting myself up without even realising it. And now, I can't even get out.

What lifespan do you give your clothes before you determine that it is time for you to donate it? I say if you haven't worn it for at least 3 months then its time to give it away.Today is my hump day. I can't wait for Friday cos its Pay Day & I am beyond BROKE. Have been eating leftovers as dinner for as long as I can remember. Gets rather sickening after awhile.Also can't wait for Friday since I have an interview at Abercrombie & Fitch. When you are as broke as I am, you are willing to do anything to earn that extra moolah. Hopefully they consider me as an appropriate candidate & hire me ASAP!!!

So today marked the first day back to work. It felt alittle strange, everything was the same, business was as usual, maybe a couple of new arrivals here and there.

But something felt amiss. I thought long and hard what it was. And I realised that its because my heart isn't at work anymore. It's only going to be a matter of time before I realise that I need to return home.

At least at the end of this job, I know I would not have regrettd my decision of staying an extra year to work.

I give myself a couple more months before I know its about time to move on..

How do u know that you've finally met the One?

I'm excited to go home this Saturday. Even though it's only going to be for 2 weeks, at least its better than nothing.

Because, I miss my family, girlfriends, dog and of course the food and the shopping. Hence I am in transition mode. I feel like I'm literally going through a time capsule because its really laid back here on Oahu.

I'm also glad because I don't have to baby sit for a good while. Lately, I find myself getting more and more irritated to be around her. Somehow she knows how to push my buttons and it sends my blood pressure sky rocketing. A part of me feels like I really should not be spending my free time with a 5 year old because I really have better things to do.

I don't know how to tell DJ that shes really getting on my nerves without hurting his feelings. I wish he had more family support in taking care of her because its totally not fair to me.

Worst, the papers still have yet to be submitted to finalise everything. I don't know what is taking so long. Like I said in my earlier entry, I'm still not fully satisfied and happy with my relationship.

If it is still not done by the time I'm back from home, I really don't know what to do. On the outside I seem fine but I know deep down its really really bothering me.

Its difficult for me to talk to somebody because none of my friends here are in a similar situation as me so they can't really give me sound advice. I'm just thankful that I can get away for alittle bit to clear my head and hopefully come back with a different outlook on things.

Everything doesn't come as easy now that I am financially independant. This may sound very ridiculous but I find myself penny pinching when I go grocery shopping & checking for sale items. If there was a coupon book, I would make sure I go through it before heading to the store.

Sad but true.

We hardly eat out, going to my favorite ramen place only happens once in a blue moon. I don't buy clothes anymore since I'm in work attire all day and pjs when I'm home. And thank goodness I get discounts for makeup & facial products at work.

Mother keeps telling me to get money from my dad. I guess she worries that I starve. But I know how to manage. Either way I have to make it work no matter what.

Besides, I was the one who decided that I wanted to stay out here on my own and support myself so I really should not complain when money gets tight.


Hey, whoever said Life was going to be easy?

-Be careful what u say about your personal life.
-Know when to draw the line
-Don't let people push you around

and most importantly, learn as much as possible since the person benefitting from all of this is yourself.

VICTORIA SECRETS IS FINALLY COMING TO HAWAII!

It's about time.

2nd day on the job. Still training. Who would have thought that using the register would be just a tad bit complicated. But I have a very good feeling about this.

Not to mention the lovely privileges and discounts forever at Sephora.

I love it!

I'm only 23 and I JUST discovered smile lines around my eyes. This wasn't suppose to happen until I was 50!!!!!!!

OH SHIT

Maybe I'll do a Victoria Beckham...Try my hardest not to smile in pictures.

Call for desperate measures.

When one is really broke and living each day as it comes, you learn to make do with what you have and differentiate what you want from what you really need.

Each day I limit myself to spend at most $20. I know it sounds really pathetic, but what is a jobless college graduate to do? I'm trying my hardest not to ask my dad for help. I hardly eat out unless I am starving while I'm out. And when people ask me out, I ban myself from bringing my debit card so I will limit my spending.

In 2 days, it will be a new month. That means, rent is up. After paying next month's rent, I told Daniel, I may have to start busking on the streets of Waikiki.

All the more important it is for me to get a J.O.B asap.

It has been 4 days since I've graduated. The ceremony was a blast, another chapter in my life is now over and a new one is beginning.

I'm now under the "unemployed" category when it comes to applications. Hopfully that won't be long as I still wait with much anxiety for my employment authorization card. Dad basically said straight up to me that the deal is...Move to LA and work or come home.

I'm not ready to go home yet.

You ask, why so pessimistic? I guess its not pessimism, its more like Reality slapping me in the face. I'm excited for my future, but I'm also scared outta my mind of the choices that I will be making in the near future.

I want to move to LA cos I feel the experience there would make me more employable when I move back to Singapore and work in the IRs.

Another thing that is bothering me is that...Here I am, a fresh graduate...and I find out today that my bf is going to be laid off from his job. In total, I know 9 people from the department that I worked in that have been or are going to be laid off within the next 2 days. And about 4-5 other people that I have met at the hotel while I was interning that have helped me in 1 way or another that have also been let go.

Ironically, most of the people are from the department that I worked in. Alot of people say this is a blessing in disguise knowing that the executive team do not know what they are doing and that the hotel is just a sinking ship so the faster one gets outta there the better.

The one person whom they laid off that I feel most upset about is Marion Sato. She has been with the hotel for over 30 years managing the return guests and special VIPs. She IS the Kahala Hotel, now I find out that she was laid off yesterday. All because the new Director of Front Office (stupid ang moh) is jealous of her privileges and seniority. You would think that there would be some form of maturity when you are in your 40s. Guess not.

But I really shouldn't let these issues pull me down. My future is ahead of me. It may be a bumpy one, but I must be strong because ANYTHING can happen.

Who ever said Life was going to be easy?

-Graduating in 8 days
-Parents come in 5 days (which means a meet-the-parents session for DJ)
-Needa move out of current apartment in 3.5 weeks
-Need to start clearing out junk that have been sitting in my place & collecting dust
-Start packing!


Those things aside, I think what is really bothering me today is that:

1) My email account that I have had since I was 12 years old has been hacked into & I've lost all my msn contact information so please add me with my new address: carlinelow@live.com

Someone who is residing in London is claiming to be me and asking money to be transferred to him. Please just ignore those emails ok, while I try to figure this issue out. In the mean time, add me with my new address!

2) I welcome the new year with a sudden episode of UTI. I think I've had it for a grand total of 6 times with in the past 2 years. HOORAY. Who knew that peeing would make you feel like a knife is slicing right through you. So I went to the doctor today as I needed anti-biotics for it. And since my health insurance at school has expired, I had to may a whooping US$100 just for consultation alone and another US$25 for the antibiotics.

YOU TELL ME HOW NOT TO BE PEK CHEK LIKE THAT.

US Health Care System really very jia lat.

To sum things all up, this is how I feel..


ARGH!!!!

I'm so ready to head back to the 808. 1 more day.. =)

So I was counting my hours that I've worked at the hotel. And thankgoodness I am able to end earlier than my expected date.

Seriously, I really need to get down and dirty with studying because this semester, has been a joke to me. And thats not good considering its my final race to the end. Most of my time is spent at the hotel, and the longer I'm there, the more I want to get out of there.

Maybe because I've seen all the drty politcs that has been going on and all the superficiality that some people exude. Its really disgusting. I was really foolish when I actually decided to extend my internship thinking that I would be getting more experience. Well, I definitely got made use of more, that's what it is. The Front Office Slave.

Furthermore, I find myself slacking with school. My grades have been B's. And thats not good because I don't wanna jeopardise my GPA.

Once I'm done with the hotel (in 2 weeks) I am burying my head in the books and giving it 150%. 5 more weeks till the end of college.

OH MY GOSH.

Now for some Halloween pictures...

The most sober picture of the night with Cathleen at 39Hotel Downtown


With Hooter men.


After this picture was taken, everything went downhill from there.

All in all, it was a fun night.

So ironic how Cathleen and I met, well, more like interesting. Its even more interesting how we became really good friends. Wanna know something even more ironic? Both our ex-boyfriends are called Mark. AND we have the same initials.

Now, what are the chances of that happening?

I've always told myself, never to change your decisions because of a boy. Its too risky and based on past experiences, its not really worth it most of the time.

What's really scary for me is that it may be happening again..and I am totally confused. Because in about 4 months, I will be reaching another cross road in my life and I don't know which direction to take.

I've applied for OPT which allows me to stay in the US to work for 1 year after I get my OPT card. And judging from the current economic situation, its getting harder and harder to find a job. And the hotel I'm interning at, 4 people already got laid off.

Even today's local newspaper reported that tourisim in Hawaii has declined 19.5%. Its really scary! I don't think I've ever felt so vulnerable in my life.

Everthing seems so uncertain now. My dad wants me to attend Tsinghua University for a year.. I know I will go because I want to.

But I don't want to go right after I graduate, cos I'm not ready to leave Hawaii yet.

That's why I'm crossing my fingers to get OPT approval and that I can get a good job in Hawaii so my dad will allow me to stay.

I just found out that 2 people in my department of the hotel that I am interning at just got laid off today. I'm really shocked. One of them happens to be a really good friend of mine. She makes work fun and interesting.

OH GAWD. I am just so lost for words now. Major reality check.

Since she was the front office administrative assistant, looks like I will be taking over part of the work that she does, since I technically have been doing part of her job the past month.

When my phone rang earlier, and it was daniel, i just had a gut feeling that it wasn't gona be good news. True enough, he tells me that she's gone. Then I check my email, and Nanako tells me "I'm fired, nice knowing you.."

YIKES.

This just emphasizes the importance of not only having a good education but also being good at what you do. Possessing skills that no one else has makes it even better. Nowonder my dad insists for me to go to China for study abroad to widen my knowledge.

I've got to admit, the hotel has been eerily quiet the past few weeks. Occupancy is at a mere 30% on average. All departments are running on a skeleton crew. Nownder at today's orientaton, there were SO MANY new interns. The hotel really intends to abuse the free labor that us interns provide. SO SNEAKY.

The economy is really biting everybody in the butt. I'm really crossing my fingers that by the time I graduate, things might actually be better. Otherwise, finding a job for my OPT will be really really difficult.

And a part of me now, wants to stay in Hawaii..just for alittle longer..

I think I need to stop popping pills and eat real food. I have not been eating well this semester. In fact, I've been taking meal replacement protein shakes. I've lost weight but on the inside I don't feel as good.

Now,I feel super light headed..and it doesn't help that I have UTI. Its my second episode this year. And the anti-biotics that the doctor prescribed to me don't really seem to be working. ARGH.

So in summary, I feel shitty.

My mother really treats my ex-boyfriend like the son she never had. She is constantly asking about him when she calls. I used to be annoyed and frustrated because I did not want to talk about it. But now, I just laugh to myself because I've never seen my mother so concerned about a guy I used to date.

Guess she really really thinks that he is good for me. I think my entire family thinks he is good for me.

Mark will always be a good friend and I really think that he will still be in my life till the day I die because he is such a great person.

I am so glad that even though we are not dating each other anymore, we can still be cool as friends and act really stupid together.

Yay to that.

I guess my anger has subsided alot. I am less hurt and upset when I think about what happened, which is a good thing.

Everyday I keep telling myself that everything is going to be alright..and with each passing day it gets better.

Today I went for a makeover and I loved the outcome of it. Pampering myself is also part of the healing process I believe. I have decided to surround myself with people whom I am comfortable around with and who will make me laugh and be happy.

No use sitting in my apartment and sulking because that isn't going to change anything.

That's why today, I almost traded in the moolah that I got from...


THIS


FOR THIS. Bottega Veneta:Campana

Yeap, that's how "inexpensive" cars are in America..

NEED/WANT A NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!